Why I still expect men to pay…
A thought experiment
Disclaimer: what is being written here are my own reflections on the way I would like to be treated and to establish a somewhat rule book of myself for myself. I do not have any experience in these matters yet. However, I consider pretty important to be aware of one’s expectations and limits.
We, as a society in 2022, apparently collectively decided that gallantry and savoir-vivre are notions too outdated and too stuck up in gender norms; an opinion I do not share -like in everything, there are things to keep and let go of when good or detrimental- but, that is not the subject here. I am here to talk about something still pretty much in today’s norms: dating or taking someone out[1].
Let us roleplay, shall we?
I am hanging out somewhere and I meet someone, the vibes are vibing, the convos conversing and the flow going. At some point, you invite me out (mind the phrasing here), and I accept YOUR invitation to go out with you. At this point, I have already done everything that you could ask from me, which is agreeing to my presence into your premises. So you take me out we said, you propose Starbucks, not optimal but okay[2]
On the day of, I have now to get ready, probably with a little more care than usual. I do my skincare routine which sums up to approximately 150€, I don’t really wear make-up but some gloss and eyeshadow sometimes, 50 more euros. The maintenance of my hair goes from 60 to 150€ depending on whether I have braids or an at-home style, my nails are also 30€, waxing is 20 and then I can get clothed. Most of my pieces (clothes and jewellery) are above 75 bucks -I prefer sustainable pieces from “good” brands when possible-, finally, a bag and shoes and those are always above the 100. It means that when you invite me, you supposedly expect the “me” package of everything included above and would not settle for less. A minimum package of a whooping 700€[3]. And men would have the audacity to show up in jeans, t-shirts, trainers, and questionable hygiene drowned in Axe Temporation®. But even if efforts are made (which is not the case in our role play) costs and expectations for men are way lower: so the waxing? bye, make-up? what is that, nails? Don’t make me laugh, hair and skincare? Shorter and simpler. There are no categories where, as a woman, I am not obviously being scammed. So yes, you might care but with a cost difference of 250 whole ass dollars. Plus I did not take into account the time it takes to do all that, but let us move on now.
So we are both there face to face at the end of our little snack and you, with that extra 250€ in your pockets and brain in your trousers say: “We split right ?” and I answer that “No way buddy, you invited me, how come do I have to pay too”, to that you say that women are after money and not company and that it is unfair and sexist to expect you, as the person who invited me, to pay.
At the end of the day, you will never invite me again and I will never concede going out with you even if you do invite me and you might also be red flagged to my friends. But really considering all the calculations that we went through do you really think it is fair that you do not -at least- offer to pay? I will refuse, of course, you will insist and pay anyway but that is not the point. After all, I am the one in deficit trying to comply with your barbie image of women.
Does that mean that I will never or cannot pay? No.
Is it right for you to be too greedy to spare 15€ on someone you are trying to seduce? You can, but you’ll be alone.
I am an investment and I deserve to be treated in such a way, and I shall not settle for less. If you cannot meet the standards, lower the expectations to where you can meet them for I do not need you to take me out, especially not to Starbucks.
[1] Here I will use a heterosexual norm, but the baseline of the narrative can still be used in other forms of relationships. I am just making it easy for myself here as arguments are already hard enough to make. Thanks 😊
[2] I don’t want it to become a fight of means but there are ways to show your implication when taking someone out and some places are just sub-optimal. There is no phrasing that is going to save you from the board of directors insulting you afterwards.
[3] The prices here are an average of an approximation and there are ways to be more cost-effective, of course, but the general idea is that it costs money to be an “acceptable” version of self. I could go way above that amount if considering “extra” necessary procedures such as the dermatologist, body care treatments or working out.
