Why is it sometimes ok not to Forgive
A letter to Children
We live in a world where forgiveness is god. Others have told you that to forgive is to be strong and wise and that you do not forgive for others deserve it but because you deserve to “free yourself from burdens”. But while I hear and see the logical path of these statements, I cannot help but wonder if there is absolute truth to them. And you should reflect on them too.
I have lived and witnessed things that both shocked and hurt me in many ways already in my life -19 is frankly not that much- and I can say from my little wisdom that there are things although forgivable that should not automatically be forgiven.
The mistakes arising from human interactions are normal, imperfect beings make mistakes and it would be foolish for other imperfect beings to be so inflexible not to understand such facts. Yet, it is also foolish from the guilty side not to take blame when wrong was committed. And it is that, the forgiveness of the unguilty[1], that makes fools of forgiveness and the forgiving.
Unguilties are clearly manifested in abusive relationships of any form but mostly in parents or elders holding onto mechanisms noticeable in generational trauma and behaviours. They enjoy a better position of power, “wisdom” and mostly control.
An example would be the kind of respect adults expect from children without any thoughts or even desire for retribution and blaming them for behaviours inherited from their own ways. It is harmful to both parties: children are hurt and adults without respect need to assert themselves through other means, often violence. The child will then grow up and explain how hurt they feel and they are completely invalidated in their grievances. They are told that “It is like that, there is nothing wrong”, that “It is not true”, that “You do not understand (yet)”, or that they exaggerate. In other terms: “I did nothing wrong, and, I do not know or understand what you have done to my actions in order to hurt your feelings.” And for a while, you will really think that there is something wrong with you. You will accept the insults and try to make sense of the abuse. You will try to understand in order to change yourself. After all, what can you do against them and they know it really well. Because when confronted, they are unable to explain themselves (the famous because.) or say things like “I am just a bad…then” leaving you to deal with the aftermath of the blow-up.
And I am not denying that they might be behaving like that in an attempt to heal their own tormented child and reduce their pain, but children do not raise children and the burning hospital does not take patients.
Being honest with your pain should not reduce theirs, It does not. It will never.
You are now in a corner. Leaving and you are an outcast, staying and you have to endure, complying and you either slowly die or become bitter yourself and reproduce the same patterns. As someone who tried it myself, they do not work, none of them does. They either push the pain for later or do nothing at all.
And you might wonder: “If they do this to me because they are hurting, maybe by helping them, Iwill help myself” but there is a little problem: you forgiving them will not help them because “they have done nothing wrong”. What you need to realise is that their pain is now your pain, the only person deserving forgiveness, understanding and love is yourself. Not them. So do not forgive, let go of it. You are not responsible for what happened to you, they are.
You do not have to pretend or play nice. You do not have to see them if you do not wish to do so. You have the right to say no and you are not shameless or disrespectful for it. You have the right to decide not to talk if no one is going to listen to you. You do not have to hide and have no duty to protect or care for someone else reputation. You do not have to forgive and even if you do, it does not mean that you have to trust.
Not forgiving does not make you weak, it makes you wise.
[1] Unguilty: someone who has not been proven guilty (criminal against whom there is no evidence), used here in the meaning of someone who is guilty but truly thinks himself blameless and thus does not really need or care about your forgiveness.
“Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.”
